This is Part 2 of my miscarriage story. Click here to read the first part.
Finally, after several weeks and my doctor’s ok, we were ready to start trying for another baby. It was difficult to wrap our minds and emotions around trying to get pregnant again when we should have still been pregnant. And honestly of having a living baby inside of me after having one die in me was kind of hard to swallow. We weren’t fortunate enough for it to happen right away, so every month, my cycle came as a double smack in the face reminding me that I was both no longer pregnant nor pregnant again. On about the third month of this, I was just tired, and depressed, and cried out to God to just take me because I couldn’t take the pain anymore. And with absolute love and clarity, I heard Him ask me, “Is pain bad?”
I’m sorry, what? Yes, of course pain is bad!
“Why is pain bad?”
Because it hurts!
“So? It won’t actually kill you.”
Oh, but how I had wished it would have.
Depression is strangely comforting. For me it was a deep dark pit where I was curled up in the fetal position while the rest of the world continued to just keeping moving on above me like nothing had happened. How can this be? Don’t they realize that everything has changed?? Don’t they see me down here praying for death to release me?
I distinctly remember during that time, looking around a room full of people and having the thought, “well they all got here.” As if to reassure myself that maybe pregnancy wasn’t that dangerous after all because obviously all these people had made it! But nothing could guarantee that my next baby would make it…or even that there would be a next baby.
While we waited, not so patiently, we decided to seek out help in the form of counseling. There is absolutely no shame in getting help! (If you think there is – it’s a lie!)
Our counselor was a sweet Christian lady who after listening to our story, gently reminded us that God knows how we feel because He, too, had to experience the death of His Son. I remember looking her square in the eye, and not so gently responding, “Yeah, but He had a choice!” Which is true, but also saving His Son from experiencing death would have ultimately meant eternal death for all of us. Praise God He chose Christ’s death for us!
By God’s design, and because of His grace and mercy in our lives, a month before Eva’s due date, I found myself staring in disbelief and relief at yet another plus sign. God had finally answered our prayers for another baby! Thus began a new season of trusting God for the life of this baby – and what felt like 9 months of holding my breath. For me, it meant seeing my doctor every other week until 20 weeks (by my choice.) Plus a Christmas Day trip to the ER because of some light spotting. But all in all, this pregnancy was just as uneventful as my first one with my son had been.
And on May 18, seven months and one day after Eva had been due, we welcomed our “rainbow baby” Alaina into our lives!
I want to be sensitive here because I realize this is not everyone’s story. For those who after loss have never been able to conceive, my heart aches for you. Truthfully, I doubt we would have tried again if we had lost Alaina, too. I don’t know why God does what He does, but I have to trust that He is sovereign. And that He is holding our babies until we get there. He is the perfect Father after all.
I have spoken with women who have seen their babies in a vision or a dream – and I am one of them, too. Our faith is true! It is all true! And it hurts for a little while here, but oh how glorious eternity will be!
Back in the beginning, when I was on the airplane flying to see my friend who had just lost her son on the day that I had found out I was pregnant with the daughter I would go on to lose, I read Angie Smith’s book I Will Carry You. It is her story of loss and faith. I decided to read it to hopefully be able to encourage my friend, but God knew I would need to read it for myself.
As I think about the whole story God has given me thus far, starting with my friend losing her baby, I am amazed to see how delicately He has carried me. And how true it is that “we don’t mourn like those who have no hope.” (1 Thess 4:13) It still hurts, there’s still deep pain and loss, but there is hope because this life is not all there is. “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Rev 21:4) Sounds good to me! That’s the hope I’m holding onto!
I spent a lot of time wrestling with God from several different angles. If you would like to read more, you can find another post I wrote on this topic here.
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